This just an overview of my experience. I have not added any gory details, I have just laid down the main details of my process. I am going to refer to my twin flame as X rather than keep referring to “my twin” cos the term drives me a bit nuts.
So here it goes…
I met the twin flame experience at the end of October 2016.
When I met X I was in such a good place in myself, I felt like my life was starting to fall into place and I was truly on the path to where I wanted to be in my life.
I was one month away from finalising my divorce from a really dysfunctional marriage of 8 and a half years and I felt like I really knew who I was and what I wanted.
I heard about the concept of twin flames the day before I met X and I must admit that the concept made absolutely zero sense to me, it was like an alien language.
We met through a mutual friend we were away with for a weekend.
On our initial meeting I felt a bit off and disinterested in connecting with him, but it didn’t take long for me to open up then fully connect with him.
Once we started talking and sharing we noticed that we had so much in common it was actually freaky.
He knew what I was thinking and would finish my sentences and would know exactly what I meant even if I said the opposite thing.
I could feel him, like fully feel his energy and what he wanted or where he was comfortable or uncomfortable.
We went for a beautiful walk, spoke and connected like we had our whole lives to catch up on, I even told him about the TF concept and how I thought that it was utter rubbish. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
Out talk made us feel like we had lived such similar lives and experiences.
At one point while we were talking I remember looking into his eyes and feeling pulled into him like I could see my soul inside of him, I actually thought exactly that, “I just saw my soul inside of him.”
This was a very strange feeling, which I brushed off, because it felt weird and impossible to me.
After we had finished talking he came and sat behind me and held me and I felt this tingle through my body which I also thought was very strange but I just brushed it off as nothing.
At this point in my life, I knew nothing about Kundalini awakening or spiritual awakening.
After that talk we were connected, bonded, like he was me in a Male body and I was him in a female body.
That first night after we connected I didn’t sleep at all, not even 1 minute.
I had no idea that it was related to him being an activation of Kundalini awakening in me.
We spent the next day together and then said our goodbyes the following morning.
At this point, I thought nothing much of our meeting other than it was a really cool connection.
I knew that I liked him very much, but I was still technically married for another month and living with my soon to be ex-husband, (we were separated and slept in separate rooms though), also X was in a relationship, so I had nothing attached to him other than I really liked him and wanted to stay in contact with him.
But when he left I started to feel really, really uncomfortable in myself, out of nowhere I missed him, which seemed bizarre and then I started becoming aware of this soul vibration burning in my chest.
When I arrived home I had a message from him and we started chatting via text and we were very, very consumed with each other from morning to night for about two weeks.
Another thing I had when I arrived home was an article messaged to me from the person who told me about TF’s the day before I met X.
This article seemed to explain word for word what I was experiencing, so I forwarded it to X.
His response was “do you see me in this as much as I see you?”
We both knew that we were TF’s.
I continued to only get 3 or 4 hours sleep a night for the next 3 weeks.
I was purging left right and centre and I was so uncomfortable with how I felt with the constant soul vibration and being intensely consumed by him.
I was meditating up to 4 times a day to try and keep it together.
We met for coffee and lunches pretty often in those first two weeks and every time we were together I felt calm and relaxed inside of me, the soul vibration stopped and returned about an hour after I left him.
I noticed that all the confidence I was feeling at the time we met started to vanish, I felt like I had been knocked off my pedestal and insecurities were coming up left right and center in me.
After two weeks I felt like I needed to unplug from the intensity of what I was feeling.
I was not present in my life at all with the constant draw to him and the energetic entanglement and I wanted to find my centre and be me again, so I didn’t contact him for 4 days.
I had been reading as much as I could about what was going on with me and the TF experience and I came across the runner chaser thing and I knew that I was going to run because it was just too much for me to stay permanently attached to the intensity.
I had my kids that needed me and a really jealous ex husband who was treating me like utter shit and making life a living hell because he could not cope with the connection I was sharing with X. (X and I were never intimate, we were strictly platonic, but I didn’t hide from my ex-husband if I was seeing X.)
I was still fully financially dependant on my ex-husband and I at that stage had no way of moving out.
I had no support system to turn to in terms of money or a place to stay with my kids.
I tried to disconnect from X for a few days but I couldn’t, even though we had only known each other for a few weeks it felt like he was energetically attached to me regardless of whether or not we were in contact.
After my few days break I decided that I was willing to work through my fears and pain and the cruelty of my ex-husband and be in any hot water in order to keep the connection with X and nurture this phenomenal bond we shared.
Then life pulled the old switch-a-roo….
My stress levels were through the roof with purging and kundalini awakening being in full swing and all my responsibilities and the divorce about to be finalised my ex-husband being the biggest douche bag under the sun and and and…
**I fully understand why my ex-husband behaved in this way and I don’t blame him, I am only making comment of it in a derogatory way because at that time it was really hard being strong while on the receiving end.
Then X made a comment which could have been very innocent but in that comment, it changed everything that we were experiencing and shifted our experience completely out of soul into a full ego stand up.
(I fully understand the value of every step of my journey and I have no regrets and I know that it has all played out perfectly, exactly as I have needed it to.)
X’s comment was that I should not romantically invest in him…
That was a REALLY difficult if not impossible idea to get my head around at that stage because I was flat out consumed by this man in every way possible, how did I turn that off?
Then the ego kicked in even more, full force…..this was really tough…. and I could not differentiate between not being romantically invested in him and being romantically invested in him because energetically he was with me all the time.
I then said that if he expected me to not be romantically invested in him, then we needed to set boundaries because the way he treated me was so lovely and wonderful that it was really confusing for me because his behaviour was sending me the message that he was romantically interested in me.
This felt to me like the exact moment X pulled away and nothing was ever the same again…. This is also the moment I started to obsessively try and disconnect from him energetically.
I tried to reach out to him after a couple of weeks and he said that he would reply but didn’t, then I sent him an email which he only saw months down the line and then messaged me.
I was hard with him because I was still very confused by his silence and the break in connection from him, I called him on it and he said that he would talk to me about it and he never did, he rather got angry with me that I wanted to talk to him about it all and very directly told me that I don’t feature in his life at all and that he didn’t want me in it. OUCH!!
I knew that he was entitled to his feelings so I didn’t blame him, but I was hurting big time… The twin flame myth is that a twin flame loves you and thinks about you and feels you too yet here I was with a very different reality…he wanted nothing to do with me and I didn’t feature in his life at all… Was everything that I was going through all in my head and I was actually crazy?
Months went by with no communication and then I started an on again off again communication with him because I still felt as attached as ever to him energetically, this never changed or subsided.
I started seeing a pattern in myself that every time I contacted him, I would be triggered and then I would purge and release or there was something else inside of me that needed my awareness to shift.
I started becoming aware at an even deeper level of my patterns and healing and ego and shifts and lessons through the mirror effect of meeting X and I continued to fully immerse myself into my healing and awakening process.
I at one point I thought that we were not together because of my fears and I then fully threw myself into actively loving him regardless of his behaviour towards me.
This was a very important part of my journey because I opened myself up completely to him with absolute transparency and vulnerability….it also showed me my lack of self-love and self-respect and self-worth.
This taught me a deeper level of surrender, authenticity and self-love.
We obviously did get closer over this time and we were then intimate for the one and only time.
This was the last time we saw each other.
Sleeping together was really tough after…. It gave me PLENTY more shit to work through!!!!
He was not exactly a gentleman with good intentions and a whole lot of stuff went down which made me cringe and want to just put all this nonsense behind me.
All I wanted to do was disconnect from this experience and this man because I felt that I had no self-respect feeling so much for someone who didn’t reciprocate.
I went full swing into researching false twin flames and did everything I could to disconnect from him.
I felt that if I could prove that he was not anything to me but a bad joke I would be able to move on and get rid of the constant energetic connection I felt.
I actually exhausted myself with the amount of energy I put into trying to disconnect, but I got nowhere.
Eventually I stopped the fight as much as I could and tried really hard to surrender because my inner fight was getting me nowhere, I was so over what I was feeling, all I wanted was to be free and myself again.
I continued to live my life and tried to just ignore the constant energetic connection I felt by telling myself that if this was my reality I better make peace with it no matter how shitty it felt.
Many months passed before I felt that strong draw to contact him and I did my usual reaching out to say hi to him thing and the pattern didn’t let me down as I still had lots more to learn about myself.
He was as detached as ever and I still had more victim consciousness and codependency to shed and more self-love to learn.
I was finally surrendered to the fact that X is my TF but was so uncomfortable inside myself with this constant energetic connection that I became absolutely desperate for relief and a shift inside myself.
I had been going through a constant 24/7 energetic push and pull to him for a year and a half.
I thought that I had tried everything that I could to make peace on the journey.
I had done the inner work to the extreme, I had made the entire journey about me not X.
I had tried to love him regardless in a 3D sense but still I felt awful inside because of the constant energetic struggle.
My ego could only see this from the perspective that I needed to not feel love for him because he didn’t want me in his life and I needed to get rid of the energetic connection and draw to him.
The peace and my energy coming back to myself came about in a very different way to what I had reasoned in my ego.
It happened through energetic union and embodying 5D consciousness and this was the way of the heart not the head.
I was very reluctant to move forward with this as it made me feel completely nuts, I was completely out of my comfort zone and it took me a couple of weeks to follow my higher guidance on this as I had to become desperate enough to try what I was being guided to do.
I was essentially being guided to make him my best friend energetically and do a healing I had channelled to heal the energy between us.
I needed to treat him like my best imaginary friend!!
I was to talk to him and be completely kind and loving and behave like I was having the best friendship ever with a figment of my imagination!!
I was so reluctant, I felt totally nuts but I was so desperate I was willing to try anything.
I first contacted X to tell him everything about my discomfort with the constant energetic connection and how much I struggled with it because more than anything I wanted him in my physical life and the reality was that he was not.
I explained how I could never disconnect from him and how he was always with me, every, single day and nothing I did seemed to change it.
I explained to him about energetic union and that I had channelled a healing and I was going to do it because I couldn’t stand how I was feeling anymore and if it worked for me I was going to offer to help others with it.
I felt it best that if he was going to think that I was completely out of my mind, that he find out from me first hand, rather than through my social media pages.
I am not sure on his take on it all, he never said anything.
I then started the process of energetic union, fast forward to now and here I am completely myself again.
This healing became a tool on my journey and each time I did it I felt better and back in my power.
I would not think about him as intensely, I really started living self-love very deeply, I was able to surrender fully…. The fight in me finally subsided after a year and a half!!
It took a few months of using it on and off but I still had not gone full circle with my TF experience, there was still a bit of codependency lurking in me and then I was guided to do the energetic union healing for 30 consecutive days for myself.
This changed everything for me!
It brought me to complete surrender and aligned me with non-duality.
I reached energetic union and now there is no attachment to him at all anymore.
I had to become one with his energy in order to get my energy back….totally mind-blowing.
Every journey is unique. This is my story and how I have gone full circle with it.
The TF journey for me has been a deep dive into myself to free myself from within through kundalini awakening and the intense mirror effect of X.
I have experienced spiritual awakening and learned the most beautiful soul lessons.
This journey is a gift to my soul and I am beyond grateful for this soul contract.
With massive gratitude and love always and forever, to infinity and beyond.